The Joke is on Me

Well, I know it has been a few weeks since I posted, and believe me, there were times i would have loved to, but it didn't feel like a good time.  I have spent the last 4 weeks at the doctor's office!  I have had three ultrasounds, six blood draws, and way too many hours there.  Today I found out that the joke is on me.  My body did it again!  My doctor was sure that this was going to work, that things looked great, and things do look great if you don't look at the ultrasound.  All of my blood work is AMAZING!  Nice and pregnant!  However, there is no baby, there is no heartbeat, there is nothing!  I hate having to type this!  I hate being negative and not having something positive to say, but right now I don't have anything positive to say.

The doctor calls it an an-embryonic pregnancy...I call it a horrible practical joke!  My body still thinks it is pregnant, even after the doctor and I scheduled my second D&C in 4 months, it still feels nauseous and exhausted!  It's not fair, and anyone who tells me that it will be okay, I want to kick them!  People want to know how I am feeling, and I really don't think they do want to know.  I feel totally out of my character as I am so ANGRY!  I am angry with everything and nothing at the same time.  I hate this feeling and I know it will pass, but not soon enough.  I was sure that Heavenly Father would not let this happen again, because I felt like I barely survived the last one, but here I am, surviving again, so I guess I am stronger than I know, but I don't want to be strong right now.

I am tremendously grateful for my wonderful friends and family that support me and keep me in their prayers.  I feel like I have let them down, even though they will tell me I haven't.  I know these next few weeks will be difficult, and I just want to put them behind me.  I pray that as I go to Time Out for Women this weekend, surrounded by some of my best friends, that I will be strengthened and uplifted.  I am determined to be strong, and hold my head high and to let my Heavenly Father carry me when I feel like crumpling to the floor.  I pray that people will be patient with me and understand that this too will pass and I will be the "do-it-all and happy-to-do-it Callie" again, just give me a little time.

I read this today and I think this is part of what will get me through.

Doctrine and Covenants 121: 1 and 7-9


1 O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?
7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; 
8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. 
9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

I am grateful for my testimony and I am grateful that I have a knowledge of the Plan of Salvation.  I pray that His love for me will carry me through this tough time.  Hopefully I will have a better, more uplifting post soon.  Thank you for your continued prayers and support.  so, until next time...