Oh my goodness it is a beautiful day outside! The sun is shining and the windows are open. Very rarely are there days in the low seventies in May here is Texas. Life has been a bit..."not ideal" lately, but it has definitely been a time for growth.
This last weekend changed my life more than I could have ever imagined. On Friday I packed my bags and went on a trip to San Antonio with some amazing friends. We headed off to Time Out for Women. I was excited to go and felt very privileged to go, especially since it was last minute that I was offered a ticket and a seat in the carpool. Friday we arrived at our hotel and rested for a few minutes before making our way to the convention center. This was the start of something amazing. I must admit that my heart was feeling a bit cold and hard. I was still very upset about the "health issues" I am having to deal with, and not a very happy camper when it came to my relationship with my Heavenly Father (to put it lightly). We sat together and the program began. The music was by Dallyn Vail Bayles and the speaker was Sheri Dew. I was not particularly amped up to listen to Sheri Dew. I had read a few of her books (well, I tried to) and sound them very dry and "perfect" rather than realistic. However, the music was so powerful that it softened my heart and Sheri Dew spoke on some things that I really needed to hear. Looking back on all of it, Friday night prepared my heart for Saturday. My testimony grew so much in those three hours! I was able to look at my trials and where my heart was and instead of feeling guilty for being mad and angry, I felt loved and understanding. I was able to come up with this analysis of my feelings and behavior. I shared this with my hotel-mates when we returned for the night.
I am a toddler! I am just like my boys after they hear something they don't want to hear. When I tell my boys "No" for one reason or another, I am often times met with replies of "I don't like you!" and "I'm not talking to you!" Even though I know they still love me and they know that I love them, they are mad. I am the same way. My Heavenly Father had to tell me "No" and I didn't like it and I think it is still unfair! I stomped my feet and crossed my arms and said "I'm mad at you!" and "I am not talking to you right now!" I knew I still loved my Heavenly Father and He still loved me, but I was mad! Then I realized that just as my children come to me for a hug after they are done being mad, my Heavenly Father was waiting to hold me tight and tell me that He loved me. I love holding my boys and trying to make things right in their world, even when they don't understand why something they didn't like had to happen, they understand that I won't lead them astray. The same thing goes for me. My Heavenly Father took me in His arms and told me that He was sorry that He had to tell me "No" and that he was sorry that my heart hurts, but He loves me and He knows I still love Him. My relationship with my Heavenly Father changed so much! I understand him so much better now, as I realize that He truly is a parent, as I am, and I am learning to parent my children every day and through that, I understand my Heavenly Father more and more. I felt like I had found myself again. I felt so much strength and empowerment that I was ready to be held and ready to be comforted and taught what I needed to learn.
After such an amazing night, I was truly ready for an amazing Saturday. Early on Saturday I received a text message from James that told me that Eric had been bit by something and it looked really ad and he was taking Eric to the doctor. After my Mommy panic washed away, I realized that James had things under control and that Eric would be fine. I went on to the conference center bright and early, ready to learn. I learned so much! I learned about the importance of friendship and relationships with others and myself form the hysterical Amanda Dickson. Jericho Road shared some beautiful testimony through music. I really enjoyed their song "I'm in Over My Head" a lot. Emily Watts made me giggle as I learned more about my children and how I can be a better mother to them, as well as to allow myself to "LET my heart rejoice". John Hilton and Matt Baldwin taught me about not comparing myself to others and to have reasonable expectations of myself. The final speaker was Kris Belcher and I LOVED HER TALK!!!! She is an amazing woman and I encourage everyone to look her up and read her story. I learned about "Vertical Living", the idea that we should look up, and look to God and live and not focus on what is right in front of our face. I felt I could relate to her as she reminded all of us to "Look for the humor in life". I am constantly looking fir the humor, and I think that is what keeps me going. She also made a very profound statement that I am reminding myself of regularly. She said that those people who tell you "God won't give you more than you can handle" are wrong! If that were true, we would not need a Savior and we would not need His grace. This really rang true with me. I had a friend tell me that it is not about "God giving us only what we can handle, but that we can't handle it without God." I have gained such insight from the amazing people in my life lately.
As you can see, I have grown so much. I feel like this conference literally saved my life. I feel as though I was given the opportunity to go by divine intervention. I feel so eternally blessed that I was able to rub shoulders with amazing women and that I was able to grow so much in less than 48 hours. I was so excited to bear my testimony on Sunday, but that wasn't able to happen as I took Eric to the hospital and he was admitted for that bite that got so infected that it went all the way up his leg. He is home now (thank goodness) and running around as he always does. I am going in for my D&C on Wednesday and I am nervous, but I go in with my heart in a much better place. I feel more at peace and I don't feel near as alone this time. I feel loved. I have absolutely no idea what the future holds, but I will try to go forward with my eyes set high and my heart ready to learn. So until next time...
