The Joke is on Me

Well, I know it has been a few weeks since I posted, and believe me, there were times i would have loved to, but it didn't feel like a good time.  I have spent the last 4 weeks at the doctor's office!  I have had three ultrasounds, six blood draws, and way too many hours there.  Today I found out that the joke is on me.  My body did it again!  My doctor was sure that this was going to work, that things looked great, and things do look great if you don't look at the ultrasound.  All of my blood work is AMAZING!  Nice and pregnant!  However, there is no baby, there is no heartbeat, there is nothing!  I hate having to type this!  I hate being negative and not having something positive to say, but right now I don't have anything positive to say.

The doctor calls it an an-embryonic pregnancy...I call it a horrible practical joke!  My body still thinks it is pregnant, even after the doctor and I scheduled my second D&C in 4 months, it still feels nauseous and exhausted!  It's not fair, and anyone who tells me that it will be okay, I want to kick them!  People want to know how I am feeling, and I really don't think they do want to know.  I feel totally out of my character as I am so ANGRY!  I am angry with everything and nothing at the same time.  I hate this feeling and I know it will pass, but not soon enough.  I was sure that Heavenly Father would not let this happen again, because I felt like I barely survived the last one, but here I am, surviving again, so I guess I am stronger than I know, but I don't want to be strong right now.

I am tremendously grateful for my wonderful friends and family that support me and keep me in their prayers.  I feel like I have let them down, even though they will tell me I haven't.  I know these next few weeks will be difficult, and I just want to put them behind me.  I pray that as I go to Time Out for Women this weekend, surrounded by some of my best friends, that I will be strengthened and uplifted.  I am determined to be strong, and hold my head high and to let my Heavenly Father carry me when I feel like crumpling to the floor.  I pray that people will be patient with me and understand that this too will pass and I will be the "do-it-all and happy-to-do-it Callie" again, just give me a little time.

I read this today and I think this is part of what will get me through.

Doctrine and Covenants 121: 1 and 7-9


1 O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?
7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; 
8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. 
9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

I am grateful for my testimony and I am grateful that I have a knowledge of the Plan of Salvation.  I pray that His love for me will carry me through this tough time.  Hopefully I will have a better, more uplifting post soon.  Thank you for your continued prayers and support.  so, until next time...

A Prayer Request

I am not sure why I am putting this in a blog post, but it seemed like the place for it.  I hate being negative and full of bad news on Facebook, and I think at times when I am stressed and tired, I tend to be that way.  So, I figure if I put this on my blog, friends have a choice whether or not to read it.  So, here is what is going on, and my request to the world.

Holy Moly I am pregnant!  Yes, after I had decided I was done trying, I was just gonna get through March and then we were going to quit trying completely for a year...I am pregnant.  I went to the doctor yesterday and we had no heartbeat, but a gestational sac.  This scared the crap out of me since this is what happened in December, but I was eight weeks late.  This time I am maybe a week late ( I am not sure, I had even quit tracking my periods, I had thrown in the towel).  My doctor is confident that it is just too early, so he took some blood to test my progesterone and HCG levels and I go back in on Monday for more.  We want these tests to come back with my progesterone being over 5 (over 15 would be fabulous, but that is rare) and we want my HCG levels to continue to climb.

I have probably mentioned before that I have an AMAZING ObGyn!  He knew I was upset about the ultrasound and feeling very discouraged (I still am a bit, but trying not to be) so he told me that positive thinking and prayer is going to carry me through this.  He told me to gather my family together and to call them all to prayer.  He told us to pray for the baby to keep developing, that my body would produce the right amount of hormones to support the baby, and that I will be healthy.  So, I put this prayer request out to all of my friends and family.  I have seen mighty miracles come to pass through prayer and I have faith that Heavenly Father knows me and my heart.  I pray that you will support me in this effort as I know that I am to have more children, and that my work to bring spirits into this world is not over.  James is fasting this Sunday and I know that through our faith, prayers and fasting, we will be blessed, no matter what happens.

I have a  strong testimony of the gospel.  I know that my Heavenly Father is with me all of the time and he knows my struggles and my fears.  I know that there is strength in friendship and family and that no matter where I am, I have someone to go to.  I pray that you won't judge me, or think I am asking for pity for my situation.  I am simply asking for a prayer in behalf of me, my body, my baby, and my family.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I hope to have good news on Monday, and even better news after that.  So until next time...