My Rough Spot

I haven't been on my blog in so long!  I figured I should update everyone on what has been making me and my life so crazy lately.  It has been one emotional roller coaster for me health-wise this year.  I started the year with horrible kidney problems and I am ending the year with woman problems.  On December 7th I went to my OB-GYN because I was very late and had a positive pregnancy test!  Finally an answer to a prayer!  We were thrilled!  When I went in, my hormone levels were good, but an ultrasound looked a little funny.  We could see an egg sac and we could see the start of a baby, so my doctor assumed that I ovulated much later then we thought and that he would do everything in his power to keep me from having a miscarriage...this involved a lot of VERY expensive hormone therapy and lots of doctor visits and blood draws.  A week later the doctor like what the blood work was showing so he decided to get another ultrasound to see how it looked.  A week later we see the same thing...egg sac...no heartbeat, no development.  Then I quickly realize that something is not right and the pit enters my stomach.  At this point my doctor pulls me into his office and explained that I have an anembryonic pregnancy...a false pregnancy.  For whatever reason, there was a pregnancy, but no baby...no baby.  I am 10 weeks pregnant with nothing!  My body fully believes that I am pregnant...this means cravings morning sickness and exhaustion...for nothing!  This is probably one of the hardest things that I have been through.  My heart aches as I think about it.  I just sat there and sobbed like a baby and trying to understand what this means and what happens next.  Well, then I was sent to the hospital to do all of my pre-op because I was now to have a D&C on Friday, December 17th...a week before Christmas Eve!  I am an emotional hurricane for the rest of the week and two days before the surgery I get the most horrible stomach bug that makes it that much worse.  The day before the surgery was rough as I had to totally rely on my Heavenly Father to help us with the money involved to get this done.  The bank account said that we wouldn't have enough money, the doctor said he can't help and that I need to have this done or I can actually loose alot of blood and end up in the ER, and the hospital won't help me because i have insurance...crappy insurance...but insurance.  The Lord came though and miraculously I was able to make the payment, and have the procedure done.  James took the morning off to take me and be with me.  I was a mess emotionally and wasn't doing well at putting on a strong face.  After the procedure I woke up with tear stained cheeks and tears in my eyes...I can only figured that i cried through the procedure even though I was under anesthesia.  I was heartbroken.  The doctor told me that I would be emotional and that things should level out in a few weeks.  I already suffer from post-partum depression and so this time, my hormones hit rock bottom very quickly and I was worse then I had ever been with either of my boys.  I went home and rested and felt sore, but okay.  The week before Christmas is always crazy, but it was terrible difficult this year.  I wasn't only dealing with stress of gifts, baking, people, and everything Christmas brings, but also I was dealing with alot of pain and unhappiness.  Life was not a happy thing for me and I just couldn't get into the Christmas spirit...I just wanted Christmas to go away!  Finally I was able to get out and get my orders done and some shopping accomplished and it helped.  Now Christmas has come and gone and I am totally relieved.  I am praying that my body will chill out soon and I can quit feeling so crazy and that this new year will be a bit of a break from last year.  I have so much to be thankful for and I am very thankful and I pray that through these trials will come lessons learned.  Our Heavenly Father has blessed us as Malachi describes..."if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it."  Malachi 3:10. 

This post has been hard to write and I am sure that there are those that will read it that will think that I shouldn't have shared this, but this is my blog, and this has been on my mind.  I decided to wait to write this post until things had calmed down a bit so that i could write with a clear mind.  Things are improving and I know that good things will come and I have been eternally blessed.  My testimony has been strengthened beyond belief this year and i pray that next year I will learn even more.